But why, though?

I can't seem to focus on any projects at all. Once I set about working on one another one clouds my mind. My focus is horribly mangled the last few months. I need to fix it. I wish I could have just continued working on Gerucrash. There's no way that game would be playable inside a year though. Not in any way I would feel comfortable releasing it.

I really need to move to something I can get at least a prototype out ASAP whether that comes from the thing a month or just from some idea that pops in my head and feels right or just sticks around.

I feel like I should commit to my thing a month project but I can't see any way I make anything even remotely viable in the time I have left this month. So I thought maybe I would just build a system, something I could use for next month's project whatever that is. I keep being drawn to 3D for the ideas I have though and that's just not possible. It feels like a waste to design and develop some of these ideas in 2D if I plan to make the jump to 3D eventually anyway...

So... I need to just lock myself down with something. I have to pick something I feel would do well as a 2D game and just go with it. Even if I don't feel like it will stand out or do well, I should just do it. I have not the faintest idea what though.

I could build a farming game or an industry game or something like that, I guess... but do I want to? I could build a little JRPG style game in the vain of Mother or Dragon Quest... but do I want to? I need to figure out what it is that I want to do, really. There's so many systems I want to build but I don't expect I am going to get anywhere just building tons of systems and nothing from them.

I want to create so many things. So... so many. I need to pick one to start and not let the other things enter my mind until I am done.

I can go on and on and on about the games I would like to make but I need to pick something... something I can prototype quickly. RPGs are at the top of my mind, they require a lot of systems though. Pet sims are also really high up but I can't fathom how to make one of those in any way that isn't boring long term unless I make a phone game or network it. I hate phone games, so that's out. Already went about the networking, that's Gerucrash and that's a very long term project.  

So.

What project am I passionate about? What Ideas sit at the forefront of my mind and remain there?

The idea of Secret Societies is certainly a big concept for me, I keep wanting to find ways to fit them into every game idea.

Of course, Animal Companions, pets, tames, whatever you want to call them. I feel like any game is usually improved by the addition of buds.

RPG Systems. Particularly gaining stats by doing related tasks rather than by distribution in an interface.  

Inventory management and weight. Kinda the way Kenshi does it, really.  

Building an Industry. I really like the idea of starting from nothing and building an empire. Gaining skill in crafts, research and development, creating custom things that you can use or sell.

Controlling multiple characters to automate tasks or fight. Another thing from Kenshi but also from RTS games and Granado Espada.    

Pirates. I always felt an affinity to pirates.

Old school Bosozoku style of Japan with the pompadours and all that. Rebellious culture in general is kinda my thing.

The 90's/00's, probably because that's when I was growing up.

As far as 2D goes I have always preferred Isometric. Though it is harder to pull off and takes more time to do on average.

Music being Magic. Always felt like it was to me anyway, I like it as a game mechanic.

Adventure. In general. The feeling of going somewhere new, seeing new cultures or even just going into an old, abandoned building and seeing what things were like when it got abandoned. Going into places you're not supposed to go just to see what's there.

Weird. Strange things. Looking at something that makes me think I am on Psilocybin.

Yokai. Strange creatures that may or may not be friendly. Cryptids. Goblins in the woods. The unknown and unexplained. The dwellers in darkness.

Mechs. Always been a big fan of giant robot suits.

Daikaiju. Big ass monsters stomping cities flat.

Sapient Robots.

Sailing, of course but I can't do that justice in 2D.

I could keep going but I only wanted a few things to draw from here, the things at the top of my mind. Digging deeper would only muddy the waters further.

If I could just have some simple game to work on and be happy with I could have something out there, published and complete. But... what the hell is it? What would I feel good about creating that wont take me a couple years?

Ah, there goes the afternoon crash. Time for lunch and a shower, the light still seems to have no effect.

I really wish I had the cash to finally jump to 3D. I need to release something, anything in 2D before I can even justify it to myself though.

Lunch has been had, shower is now needed.

Showered. Still feeling craptacular, though I suspected I might.

Yeah, it just seems like 1-3pm I am miserable no matter what I do. I will try to get some rice for lunch tomorrow and see how that goes... but the pattern remains for today.

Also looks like Toghairm's sourcecode and assets just... vanished. Not even a version hanging out in my backups or anything. So that's pretty depressing. I'll have to rebuild that from the ground up if I want to continue development.

Figures.

I don't really know what to do. I need to come up with some kind of project I care enough about to work on but is simple enough to release something in a reasonable time given my current situation.

I'm so fucking tired.

At least when I was smoking weed I got shit done and was generally happy and had energy. Teetotaling me is a miserable, tired, directionless bastard.

Welp, nothing to be done about that. I need to get my shit together. I need to create something.

I need to draw on passion. I am kinda dead these days so I can't find it here and now. I had lots of passion when I was younger and younger me would want to make an RPG. Probably with samurai and space ships with a punk style and a lot of comedy. He would take inspiration from anime and music as well as games of the time. If I am looking at right when I started game development it was during the PS2 era, spending a lot of time with a GBA as well.

Really he would want to make an MMO. Kinda frustrating, that never changed. Though barring that he would want to make an RPG, possibly with an action combat system but I know I was still into turn-based and still am, really. I feel like it's rather over-saturated at the moment though I do have some ideas for a few modifications to the system to make it a bit more interesting, at least to me.

He would want all kinds of systems on top of it but I would have to talk him down from the scope creep, though I am still guilty of it I was far worse then.

It would be an adventure, that never changed. Sticking to 2D I would have to think primarily of the handheld games I was into at the time. It always comes back to 3D lately, doesn't it? If only.

Hmm, this doesn't seem to be helping. Had the same problems then I do now, lack of resources to create something as complex as I would like.

I've tried a few times to take a concept I like and boiling it down but I can't really make any of it work in my head. A lot of things become idle games which I don't want to ever do if I can avoid and other stuff just becomes derivitive and boring.

The games I want to make are all too damn complex and whenever I try to set about simply prototyping them I feel myself drawn in every direction. If I try to just ignore it and focus on the one thing I grow to resent it for preventing me from doing all the other things that interest me.

I force myself and keep going and eventually something in me snaps and I just can't take dealing with game development at all and burn out. Why, though?

Why does it always feel like I am running out of time and have to do it all now?

I need to finish SOMETHING. Now. What is it, though? Maybe I should just make a game based on the Tamagotchi game boy games? Would anybody play it? Not many people I would wager.

I could work on a river city ransom like beat-em-up rpg but what would I do that hasn't been done?

If I had the time there are so many games I would make but I just need to pick one and it is so damn hard to nail one thing down that isn't insanely complex. Even when I think I have an idea that would be simple I start to think about all it would require and realize it would only appear simple to the player.

Even a simple tamagotchi isn't so simple and I wouldn't want to just make another tamagotchi, that would be pointless.

I've been dead in the water since November. I need to work on something. I know if I can just come up with something that I can get going I can keep going. What, though? What is this fucking project? Why is it so hard to just pick something? Why am I running in god damn circles?

Maybe I just need to walk away from game development for a little while... maybe I am just too far in and I need to get out and breathe for a bit and clear it from my mind so I can come back at it fresh?

Perhaps if I spend some time doing other things the project will come to me? It's better than being unproductive, staring into the abyss looking for sparks. Just spend time building my game servers back up and maybe actually get to reworking Jake. Maybe for the rest of the month, at least until I can clearly envision a game project I really REALLY want to work on that isn't massively complex.

Gerucrash is so close to being able to show pets wandering around in tanks but it's also SOOOOOOO far from being even remotely playable. There's so much work required before I can even hope to even put it up on kickstarter or something (though, I would rather not ask for money for something that people can't even play. However, if I was out of this mess I am in I wouldn't be having this problem where I am trying to find a simple shorter-dev-cycle project and would be happily banging away working on it. Still, too far off for that.)

Anyway... I have to get out of this office for a while. I will start to see it as a bad place if I keep having miserable days in here and I'd rather keep it a positive place.