Or not.

Taking stock, now. What's really important to me?

It seems being laid up for so long has really messed me up. I am just running in circles. I have too many ideas and not enough time.

I need to figure out what is most important to me, though this too is cloudy. Game development seems to be a bad spot for me at the moment. I keep trying to start projects but I don't even manage to really get anything off the ground before it all starts going screwy whether because I, myself realize I got carried away with ideas I didn't really care about or because my hardware can't deal with things.

I don't really have much belief in any of the game projects I come up with, I just feel like I need to make something simple to have it out there. The only ones I really like are complex and out of reach currently.

The MMO project is the number one project. It's just not exactly in my grasp right now. I can kinda get close but I am a loner and even if I wanted a team I got nothing really to prove I know what I am doing. They can look at this and see the chronicle of me running in circles but never getting anything done. Woop-de-fuckin'-doo.  

I have a passion for music, of course. I've got my guitars and ocarinas, various method and music theory books, the little midi keyboard and erhu. I'm always listening to music while I work. Though the reason I got into instruments in the first place was video games. OoT inspired me to get an ocarina. I still have it. First thing I ever bought with money I earned. Cleared out a basement and painted a porch for the 80 bucks to order it.

I like to draw. Always did. Been drawing since I was a kid. Another thing that was inspired by games. Sure I never really got great at it, but sometimes I just like to start stroking a pencil on some paper and see what comes out.

I actually do like web dev, really. I like to solve problems. I like to work on backends mostly but I do have fun with ideas for frontends. I never really sat down and got good with the presentation side though, mostly just got things working and left it at that. Building an API is nice. Kinda want to build some socket based stuff as well.

I enjoy working on hardware projects, even something simple like building a heating system relay for the geckos or building a cool light from an ESP8266/32 and some WS2811/12s. Creating lighting displays based around audio channels is fun. I have a lot of light projects I would like to build these days, actually. If I could make that into a legit business that'd be pretty cool... I don't see how I would though.

Part of me wants to get really good at guitar and join a touring band, just for the experience and travel. Bands seem to be dying though and I would not do so well up in front of a crowd solo. I would have to get past this hermit life as well, joining a band would be very social.

There's also a bit of me that thinks if I made a youtube channel or something to that effect I could just do all the stuff I like to do anyway. This is questionable, though... and getting started as a youtubesman isn't exactly a walk in the park either.

In order to satisfy the wanderlust which grows stronger every damn week I would certainly need to set up with a job that lets me travel.

• Go full digital nomad with web dev.
• Travel with a band as mentioned.
• Somehow become a light art installation dude and travel around building light displays.
• Digital Nomad game dev, less likely to work out than web dev. Would need to establish a fan base first. It's getting harder and harder to do that, I think.
• YouTube version, travel blog sort of thing with art and music. I don't know. If I could get paid to wander around the world looking at shit, I'd do it.
• Travel Writer, don't fancy myself a writer but I sure do a lot of writing. Maybe it would work.

However, I have the MMO project. I can't let it die. No matter where I end up or what I end up doing I really want to be working on my MMO project. It has to be made. It's incredibly important to me.

So...

How the fuck do I do this?

I suppose I could just start working on the MMO project prototype again. The old one that smashed into a wall and exploded when I tried to add server-side state and maps. I could start it from the ground and build it back up to where it was with all the problems in mind as I go, see how it changes.

It's that or just go to web dev and hone my skills with state and sockets there somehow. Then come back to it once I have a bit more experience networking under my belt.

All I know is game dev seems be be dead ending in my head these days. It just leads me to run in circles and never get anything done the last several months. I can't stagnate like this, it's really fuckin' me up so I gotta get moving.

It might come down to just joining up with a team. Maybe it's not as bad as it used to be. All the teams I ever joined were incredibly unfocused and never got anything done. I would often end up doing everything. Kinda how I got to this lone wolf place I'm currently losing my mind in.

I'm still running in circles.

I can't work on the MMO project yet. I really want to but I know what will happen. I need more experience and a team, at least 2-5 more people to help me.

If I am going to make it I need to lone wolf my way through at least one project. Or at least lone wolf my way to funding.

Should I just abandon game dev for now? It's so hard to think. Everything's been so hard to keep in my head.

Maybe the best thing I can do right now is get away from game dev. I'm really going nowhere with it right now and it's starting to really mess me up.

Geezus... I could use a drink. I'm going to go noodle on my guitar for a while, make some dinner... stare into the abyss a bit. I really need to figure out what the hell I am doing with my life.

Cheers.