Figuring Stuff Out

So my life's not exactly in a great place right now, the place I live in was probably condemned when I moved in and it's only gotten worse since. My mental health is probably the worst it's ever been and my relationships are basically non-existent. I've been trying to solve these problems at the root and I know a lot of this will be defeated if I just put myself out there and work with other people.

The main thing preventing this is my crippling impostor syndrome and severe social anxiety which has only gotten worse since the pandemic and holing myself up. I have only left my house once in 3 years, this is probably not a good thing. For me though, it hasn't felt like 3 years because I bury myself in projects, so many projects that I lose track of other projects.

I have to set alarms to remind myself that I should eat because when I am working on something I get tunnel vision and completely lose track of time and my own body even. I really like working on servers and writing code, solving problems makes me feel good. If I just had some way of using these skills and passions to make some money I could get out of this place where it feels like the world is closing in on me.

Anyway, I figured fuck it, I'll get into therapy see if I can't sort this mess out with some help. I've had bad luck in the past but maybe it'll work out this time.

As for Gerucrash I am certain I will continue working on it. I'm not sure whether or not it is wise to have it be the main focus of all my work time since it's not likely to get a whole lot of attention and I really don't want to monetize it in slimy ways or charge up front for it when it is still so early so that leaves something along the lines of Patreon and yeah, to me that's all just wishful thinking.

I recently re-bought a domain from my past, in fact it is the first domain I ever bought. Wayyyy back in the day when I first got into game dev and had these huge dreams of creating massive MMO worlds. It was something I had been thinking about for a long time. It's the domain I ran my first RO server under Bujin RO... lots of good memories attached to it.

Right now it's being used to host my game servers for stuff like Ark, Atlas, Minecraft, Vintage Story and some others. I am considering building a little game server hosting company with it but I doubt it'll go very far. Who knows, though? Might as well try.

I also want to do more C++ or Rust programming, I am too spoiled with Python and GDscript lately and I feel like I am losing something because of it. I considered writing a webserver for Bujin Games from the TCP/IP stack up in order to actually properly learn and understand what a web server is doing. I know it from abstraction but not the code itself. Like how does SSL work on a websocket, really? How do you build the packets? Lots of things I don't know and would like to find out first hand.

At heart I am a game developer, though I can do other things... I know that if I had a job doing web development I would be thinking about game dev. It kinda sucks, actually. I would like to just have a responsible job somewhere but my brain just refuses to work that way no matter how hard I try.

If there was a job where I could get paid for messing around with projects and learning stuff that would be pretty great. I guess youtube but I don't want to be one of them people who chase the nebulous "algorithm". I'd also have to use a puppet or something to hide my face because I am a very private person... at least as far as showing my face on the internet.

I guess I just have to keep on working on my game dev and maybe spend some time with some other engines like Unreal and see if I can't get some contract work with other teams or something. Really the first step I think is to put myself out there. This blog is kinda... hidden away in darkness. I'm not sure there's even a soul out there actually reading it. Though maybe some day someone will find this and hopefully something here will help them in some way.

I mostly spent today trying to figure stuff out, don't know that I have really. I know that game dev is about all I really want to do professionally. I could also run a small hosting company perhaps... I have gotten at least somewhat proficient in running servers over the years. I'm not running enterprise grade networks with arpa ip blocks and all that... (yet.) but I do have a few servers up and have had 3 of them running for years now.

Well, whatever happens I am going to start getting back to work on Gerucrash. Aside from that I will be cleaning up my other Godot based games and organizing them so I can pull from them or maybe work on them some more.

I would work in Unreal or Unity if I could of course, but I am running on an old laptop so I use what I can run. Godot is powerful and runs on potatoes and I am really grateful for it.

Anyway, I need to sort some shit out so I can get back to work.

Photo by Quang Nguyen vinh